Monday, July 20, 2009

Design Star Recap, week 1: Design Your Hollywood Home

As this season opens, Clive Pearse (who you know loves this gig so much better than that sell-your-house show he also does, and who I keep calling ‘Clive Owen’, so bear with me…) does a montage of the grueling season that is coming up. Yep, there will be bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms… you name a room and they’ll decorate it this year. And they’ll do it bigger and better than ever before!

We see the house. Pretty house. So much better than that bullsh*t last season about making them think they’ll build their own house. Improvements are already being seen, keep it up Design Star!!

Now we meet the contestants:

Jason. Who doesn’t want to carry his own luggage. Poor Jason. Perhaps NEXT year they’ll have bellboys?
NataLee is a cutie – but her name is the worst. Nata. Lee. NataLee. Her parents watched the Electric Company before she was born.
Dan. Young, adorable, reminds me of David Bromsted, who won season one. Do they need two of those guys on air?? Maybe he could be David’s understudy.
Jany Lee is passionate!! Because probably no one else is, and that’s why they’re here! Good to set yourself apart, Jany. You’re Passionate!
Amy is overcome with emotion at being here. I hope she isn’t a crier. She seems OK except for the tears.
Nathan is sure of himself. Which means he’s cocky and will step on toes. Won’t care that he steps on toes, won’t apologize – will say things like, “If they can’t understand my vision they aren't thinking outside of the box!”
Lonnie is afraid of having to do the work herself. I’m guessing Lonnie probably grew up listening to her mother yell at the help.
Antonio. Token straight guy. Will reference his heterosexuality many times during the season. (I don’t like him any better now than I did when he played “Kevin” on Project Runway two years ago.)
I must have blinked and missed the entry of the other two contestants. Jen and Tashica are also part of the crew.

Here comes Clive!! Welcome contestants to your new home. He is wondering if anyone had noticed that there are eleven planning tables, and only ten contestants?? The big wrench in the works surprise is that the contestants that got in on their own merit get to pick eleventh competitor… who they get to meet for 20 seconds. Why? Like they’re going to pick someone who will give them a run for their money? They’ll be fair at all? They are going to pick the one they think is the biggest loser. They pick a woman named Torie and her big Texas hair! (I’m not knocking big Texas hair – the higher the hair, the closer to heaven. Amen.) It isn’t even important that I tell you about the other two, as you will never see them again. (Well, that other girl might end up on Rock-of-Love if she really desires a career as a reality television personality. I can see that. Bret Michaels would hand her a back stage pass and ask her, “Will you stay and Rock my world?” It’s very touching.)

Clive (Pearse not Owens) announces the competition for tonight is to decorate the house. Dining Room, Living Room, Master Bedroom, Second Bedroom & Third Bedroom. They have a HUGE budget, the largest they’ve ever given them to work with: 50 Large. Nice. Someone just squealed that they don’t make that much in a year. Why would you share that?

OK, I’m going to point out here that Nathan is wearing way too much lip stain. He is so gay. He needs to blot that stuff before stepping before the confessional camera.

ANNNNDDDD, here it is: Bring on the SEARS product placement! SEARS sponsors us this year, ladies and gentlemen! Which can only mean that we’ll see blatant product placements from not only SEARS, but from Kmart, The Great Indoors, and maybe even Lands End if they can work that in! (Which is cool, my sister gets her paycheck from Sears. I’m down with The Great Indoors in a big way, too.)

Next we zoom around watching everyone plan his or her rooms, shop, and try and finish up in not quite three days. It’s challenging, but most of them seem to be handling it OK… except who are the two girls painting their bedroom floor on DAY THREE??? What idiots, if that gets messed up they are sunk. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. What a nightmare. Ohhhh, I love the wallpaper in the living room!!! I don’t, however, like Antonio. He is a DICK. Antonio is a dick. Will gleefully go for the fist pump in the air if his pink geese get him sent home. Back in the master bedroom I have to note that I love a good harlequin pattern as much as the next Ballard Design fangirl – but that floor sucks. At the end of the third day (second full day) NataLee almost passes out from exhaustion – she has to tell us she has poured her entire self in to that room. I’d not be bragging about that right now… everyone else looks almost done. Your floor would have looked better if you’d freehanded the damn thing.

Final morning, they have like two hours to finish up and those master bedroom girls are NEVER gonna be ready. They are cutting comforters in half. (Note to self: it seems that SEARS doesn’t sell twin sized comforters, as they are cutting king sized comforters in half. Ha Ha Ha. That looks EXCELLENT, ladies. No way the judges will notice those unfinished edges!) These two must be on the chopping block – because the focus is really on them.

And….. the reveal!

I think the Dining Room is ugly. The table is cool, the walls are strange. That wood wall looks like a sauna in the corner. Genevieve likes the wood. Genevieve is wrong. Candace likes the whole concept. The girls and I are going to have to agree to disagree on this room. (Really looks like a sauna in the corner.)

NataLee and Tashica’s master bedroom is next. Ummmmm, it looks OK from far away. You can see what they wanted. … don’t look too close, it’s a hot mess. Genevieve‘s mouth is on the floor when they start doing close ups. How is it that they didn’t finish one project except painting the walls? They had almost three days, right? When they tell Vern their budget was $10,000 he actually said “No Way!” He was aghast. Candace is embarrassed for them. Such a bad unfinished room. NataLee is playing the sympathy card, ‘I worked so hard I was shaking and sick.’ Gen saw right through it. "You didn’t eat and you got sick." Done. Also I’m noticing that evidently SEARS might not sell curtain rods, either.

Jen and Jason on one of the other bedrooms. Ummm, it’s OK, the animal heads are funny, and I LOVE the letter wall. The room looks unfinished? Vern wants to know “Where did the money go?” The Astroturf rugs were $700. Gen exclaims, “You’re foolish”. Ha Ha . Candace called them obtuse. Ha Ha. Vern doesn’t want excuses. Jen looks defeated, Jason looks misunderstood.

Third bedroom. I think it’s pretty. At least it’s finished. The beds are made with real bed linens, the walls look pretty cool, the curtains are actually hung properly (maybe SEARS does sell curtain rods?). Candace loves the lush quality. Gen thinks the focal wall is unbalanced. Vern doesn’t seem to like it too much.

Living room. Antonio and whoever. I actually like it and I didn’t think I would. Huge Room. Candace likes it. Gen doesn’t like the composition, window seat by itself, chairs by themselves. Wants conversational area. Time for Antonio to fess up to the geese, and Vern LOVES THEM. The girls who worked with Antonio are pissy over those geese you can tell. Hey, I myself thought they would look like ass. I have to say, it looks WAY better than I would have thought.

Now the judges deliberate. I kind of hate that we don’t’ know who they are talking about.
When the contestants come back out, Clive announces that the Living Room and Dining Rooms were the best. Please go wait in the green room.
Jany and Torie (the bedroom that I liked)… you executed well but played safe. You may also go wait in the green room.
Jen and Jason (the overprices Astroturf rugs) you are safe, just barely.

Which leaves NataLee and Tashica.

NataLee‘s show has been cancelled. Really, thank God. She should go.
Tashica is happy happy happy she gets to stay.

Next week is kitchens! Kitchens are usually awful, so it’ll be good!

(all design pictures property of design star, and can be found HERE)


  1. oh my god you are the funniest person EVER....did you catch taschika's beauty contestant hand wave in front of her tearful face when she found out she was safe, then the clutch at her heart w/ one hand and a reach out to the judges w/ a whispered thank you as she was walking out...THE DRAMA...but seriously will anything top what's his face from last year crying and asking for his mommy?
    oh and loved gen's comment, we've all worked years to get a spot on hgtv, you guys get this chance, don't blow it and show us something special....hmmmmm good for her!

  2. "kitchens are usually awful - it should be great" - I'm so sorry I've never seen this show!

  3. I had to come and check you out over here! I have to admit, the most tv I watch is Treehouse, Disney or The Food Network (my hubby tunes in all.the.time.)

  4. We have a great deal of information about kitchen refacing on our website:

    We also have a blog where readers can ask questions, and share recipes, kitchen memories, household hints, and family fun activities.

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  5. Does anyone know where I can get the tree branch wallpaper that they used for the pictures in the living room?? I can't find it anywhere and want to bite off of their design!