Monday, August 24, 2009

Design Star Recap, week 6: Kid Clients

You may have noticed I missed last week, there just didn't seem to be time to get in any recapping... so lets do a quick overview? We divide in to two teams: Nathan, Lonni, and Jason (affectionately referred to as "Lonni's nightmare team") and Antonio, Torie, and Dan ("Team Which way will Antonio turn for love?")

Design and decorate the living room / dining room area for two military families.

We notice sexual tension between Antonio, Torie, and Dan - in no particular order. I'll only be surprised if Dan and Torie end up together - other than that all bets are off with that little love triangle. They clearly have the winning room, and we get to see Torie's bitch face for the first time. Nobody gives bitch face like a pissed off Southern Belle.

Nathan is out - a week premature. Should have been Will Farrell Jason. I know Nathan spent 21 hours making that HIDEOUS storage unit from 1972, but at least he rocked the individual white room challenge. Jason hasn't rocked anything yet. At all. He's a flaming ball of tchotchke love. Which might be fine in real life, but "doesn't translate well to TV," as the judges like to say. And isn't that why we're here?

Does that about catch us up

We're down to 5 designers - which seems awfully sudden doesn't it?

We open with a shot of Dan waking up. After breakfast Clive (Pearse, still not Owens, damn it) calls for Paintcans in the workroom! Torie is sporting heavy duty make up today, wow. Girl must not want to lose her man.

Confession cam of Antonio... Good Lord, how did I not ever notice his incisors before? They're even more pointy and sharp looking than mine. If he and I ever had children they would look like vampires. What? Random tangent? Where? Oh, right, Antonio likes the thought of doing a kids room.

Lonni and Jason are both excited about having a carpenter. Methinks for different reasons

Dan looks handsome today, except for that hat. So, about Dan... can we talk? You know that nagging feeling that you have where you feel like you've seen him before? Design Star isn't Dan's first foray in to entertainment. Dan is MUCH much older than we first thought, which I figured out when I discovered that Dan has been in the entertainment industry since he was a child! I suspect pictures of him in two of his more famous roles might help clear up the mystery for you:

Glad I could help.

In the van on the way to the houses they discuss decorating kids rooms. They all want someone young. Well, sure they do. Young kids are impressed with a cardboard box in the middle of the room. "FORT!" "Dollhouse!" They don't care if it's rope on the walls or sandpaper flooring (although Vern might give them creativity points for that)... it's all about the cardboard box. You get someone over the age of 8 and things get a little trickier.

Lonni gets a 17 year old sports fan Nicco - not what she wanted. His interests include baseball, hanging out with friends, and being 17.
Antonio gets 5 year old Connor. Antonio is trying to talk to Connor like he's a person. Honey, 5 year olds aren't people yet. They have mom's to answer their questions... all you need is a cardboard box and you win.
Dan gets 11 yo Helena. Eco Friendly, earth colors. She's the recycler in the family.
Jason screams like a girl on prom night when he gets Paulina ,17, who wants a princess room. Talk about typecasting.
Torie's client is Carina, who is 8. Carina is artistic and wants an artists loft.

This is where I must come to a SCREECHING halt. Do any of you have daughters? Quick - what is missing in the girls' rooms? Nothing? Well, I have two daughters and we practically need a guest bedroom for all of the stuffed animals around here - there are three girls are on this show and I didn't see any. The authenticity of Design Star has been compromised. These aren't their real bedrooms at all! These are the works of the Haverhill Stagers that always advertise on this show. "Make it look like a little girls room, make it look lived in." I'm giving Design Star an eye roll here - I'm on to you!

OK, back on track...

Dan meets Paco the carpenter. Dan is excited to finally be the one going shopping.

Antonio and Michael the carpenter are going to make a dinosaur cave.

Jason meets Eric the carpenter. Princess Puff Jason needs 'big help'. No kidding. Now, whereas the other designers have noted their carpentry notes down on paper, Jason feels the need to tape off the design on the wall. WTF? Good thing he's not designing eco-princess's room, right? All that wasted tape! Seriously, what is he doing, trying to figure out scale? Dude, you don't have time to waste taking that damn tape back down... plus is the carpenter supposed to build to fit inside the lines? Can't you hear Jason in his pink tux shirt? "Build something that fits in this blue space."

Nicco's room is a disaster area. Chair rails are still nailed up in places... the walls are all scuffed up.... is that a hole by the closet? If your kid was going to be on Design Star as a client wouldn't you at least have him hang up his clothes? Run the vacuum? Oh, right - not if you were STAGING it to look like a lived in teen bedroom!

Torie is going for the fabric wall. That could be pretty. I think she's going to rock this challenge. Torie loves that she is designing a room for a little girl. Torie has a Steal Magnolias feeling about her, right?

Antonio gets the mom vote, under bed storage! I've decided he's not really "shame f%$k" material (although Lonni and Dan obviously don't share my clear vision)... but you gotta love that he thought about where to put the toys.

Jason gets back to the room and the carpenter has been doing what? Nothing? What is wrong with him. He's fired.

OK, Lonni? Can we talk? LOOK at that room - I suspect that back half might be an addition. You can see a wall seam right about where the floor changes in one shot. Stop moaning and go get some flooring. Like it's hard.

Antonio is doing the most construction wise, he's making a little cave.

Jason hires a new carpenter... perhaps this one isn't an obvious homophobe. (Tell me you didn't notice that about Eric? He HATED Jason!)

Day Two, and here's David Bromsted!! Torie would totally be his hag if he'd have her.

He talks to the designers. Wow! Dan is so much taller than him, I didn't realize Noddy was that tall. 'I'm challenging you Dan!" (wink wink)

Day two is looking pretty rough for the designers... don't they look tired?

Jason's chandelier is darling.

Dan is thrift shopping. (Ewww.)

Jason is not finding a rug. Why does it have to be a pattern, can't it be black. IS HE CRYING?

Dan is re-purposing a gumball machine. Does that make is sound important? To REPURPOSE it? How about "re-objectify", "re-function", or "re-create"? I sort of hate the word re-purpose.

Lonni is freaking out about the paint. She should, it looks like hell.

WTF is all over Jason's window? He was talking to carpentry boy v.2.0 about doing cutouts around the wall - which would have been cute - and now it looks like Tashica snuck in there and had her way with the craft paint.

I like what Torie is doing with the girl's name. Her cut out is cute, and the lights are great.

I like the gigantic dino stickers Antonio is using, but will the judges think he's taking the easy way out?

Day Three! We see them grabbing breakfast to eat in the van. I wonder if Torie had time to reapply the makeup this morning? (Can you even look at Dan now and not see Noddy??)

OK, Jason's "headboard" is ghetto. Do we envision that Princess Diana would have thumbtack and place mats above her bed? No, Jason, we don't. You can't
just hang up a chandelier and call it Royal.

Torie just screwed up - that fabric is hideous. ONE fabric, maybe two, pleated would have been SO elegant and creative. All those pieces stapled up? No.

Watching everyone throwing things out the door as they say "times up" is hilarious! Seriously chucking stuff out the doors!

Ahhh, the judging!
Who's room is on the chopping block first?

Antonio: Dodi said Cute cute cute bed. It's good. Good little boy bedroom.
Candace said he is the Tony Soprano of design. (Is that a compliment?)
Genevieve points out what was missing in his presenting. (Intelligence?)
Vern likes the storage ideas under the bed.
Genevieve thinks the room was successful.

Dodi said: I like it mostly, the fabric blows.
Genevieve called her presentation style "roboto". (I'm guessing, that's not positive?)
Candace likes the "risk" she took with the bed. How is an ordinary loft bed a risk? I want to look at Candace and say, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Genevieve is being a little bit of a bitch tonight with her creative criticism. "I'm so tired of the client saying a color and the designer putting it on the wall." THIS was the time for Torie to step up and bitch slap back with, "The client said she liked green, blue, and red. CLEARLY I've used HELIOTROPE in place of normal green - so back off you uninspiring wretch."
Vern is mentoring her on pulling back with the colors. (and maybe the attitude! In my imaginary scenario Torie did seem a little out of control.)

Dodi said: Wait, I thought the room was going to be hot pink. What's shocking about leaving it the same color?
(During the televising of the finished design, Genevieve flashed a bitch face... ha ha.)
Candace calls him a cream puff, and then tried to make it sound like it was a compliment.
Vern hates the room. Vern said it was for the Princess from the Kingdom of No Imagination! HaHa!

Dodi says the home plate wall is cool, tool chest is cool. It's nice, but the painting and trim work is awful! (Lonni's finish work often has all the charm of an unfinished basement.) However, Lonni is a good presenter.
Vern said he liked it, but don't get used to being the feature wall girl.
Genevieve liked it.
Candace thought Lonni was a good presenter.

I like this room, it bright and fun. The window seat, desk, dresser combo worked for me. So cute. Client loves it!
Vern points out the giggling. (Dan giggles like a school girl when he's nervous.)
Candace loves the gumball machine light.
Vern hates the headboard. Said it reminded him of day-after-garage-sale refuse.
Genevieve thinks it's too bright. Maybe that looks different when it isn't on my beautiful HDTV? Because I think it's not too bright. The girl has vision problems, after all.

And it's time to deliberate!I wish we knew whose rooms they were talking about?

Antonio and Lonni, good job.

Dan, Torie, Jason please step forward.
Dan, we only saw fragments of your ideas and your nervous giggling makes you sound like an unskilled Geisha.
Torie, the judges think you are unimaginative and have cadaverous presenting skills.
Jason, blah blah big idea blah blah horrible room, but good hosting skills. Too bad you suck otherwise you big, gay windbag.

Jason, your show has been cancelled.

So, I guess we'll never know what Will Farrell's face would look like if he won Design Star.Or maybe Will will make it back to guest host on Saturday Night live and we'll all find out!?

1 comment:

  1. OMG you are so funny! loved the 'unskilled geisha' always, brilliant recap!